Emotional Blackmail Rescue Manual! How to Identify and Deal with PUA?

"I'm doing this for your own good." This phrase is quite common, right? Emotional blackmail (PUA) is prevalent in families, workplaces, and relationships. People around us often use the name of "love" to coerce us into fulfilling their desires, causing us to often be trapped in others' emotional control without realizing it, or even feeling guilty and thinking it's our fault.

But what exactly is emotional blackmail? When we are deeply involved, how do we realize that we are being emotionally blackmailed? And how should we deal with emotional blackmail from others? Here's the emotional blackmail rescue manual you need to know!

What is Emotional Blackmail (PUA)?

The concept of emotional blackmail was first introduced by psychologist and psychotherapist Susan Forward in 1997. In her book "Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You," she defines emotional blackmail as "using your emotions and feelings to control your behavior or to persuade you to see things their way." This behavior often involves the "FOG strategy" — that is, the blackmailer makes the blackmailed person feel Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to achieve their goals.

So why do people mention PUA when they talk about emotional blackmail? What's the difference between the two?

PUA stands for "pick up artist." This concept originated from a book by American author Neil Strauss titled "The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick-up Artists," published in 2005. The book originally focused on teaching men psychological techniques to approach women, but it later evolved into situations where one party uses belittlement to undermine the other's self-esteem, or even manipulates the other's psychology to control them, regardless of gender, thus becoming a synonym for emotional blackmail.

Common Emotional Blackmail Behaviors: The Six Stages of Emotional Blackmail

According to Susan's sharing in her book, the process of emotional blackmail is divided into six stages:

Stage One: Demand

The blackmailer, in order to achieve their own goals, disregards the other person's situation and feelings, and simply demands that the other person comply or give in to achieve their purpose. Conversations often go like this:

A top-down command with no room for negotiation:

"You must be home by 10 p.m."

Superficially expressing love for you, actually using "love" to demand your compliance:

"You know how much I love you, can you walk with me every night?"

Stage Two: Resistance

Sometimes the blackmailer may feel uncomfortable emotions and feelings because of the other person's resistance. To maintain their own space, they will try to resist the request:

"But I need to practice at night and can't be home by 10 p.m."

"I love you too, but I'm really unable to accompany you every day."

Stage Three: Pressure

The emotional blackmailer, because of the other person's resistance, feels anxiety and emotional instability, and thus counterattacks. At this point, the blackmailer emphasizes their contributions and sacrifices in the relationship and tries to create sources of pressure within the relationship.

"I'm doing this for your own good. It's dangerous for a girl to be out so late."

"I love you so much and you won't even keep me company. Fine, do whatever you want!"

Stage Four: Threat

In addition to putting pressure on the blackmailed person, the blackmailer may even say threatening words, causing the blackmailed person to feel uneasy, in fear and anxiety.

"If you don't listen to me, don't come back, and I won't care about you anymore!"

"If you won't keep me company, it means you don't love me. Let's break up!"

Stage Five: Compliance

The blackmailed person, in order to avoid damaging the relationship, avoid arguments, or reduce their own guilt, chooses to compromise to show respect and importance for the relationship. But this compromise may lead to more grievances and regrets. For example, giving up something you love to reassure your parents, or giving up your personal life to make your partner happy.

Stage Six: Repetition

When the blackmailer succeeds once, they will use the same tactics to threaten and coerce the next time they have a demand.

After Effects of Emotional Blackmail

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When you are constantly subjected to emotional blackmail due to fear and guilt, over time you will begin to lose confidence in yourself, start blaming yourself, and doubt whether it's your fault. At this time, your sense of self-boundaries will become blurred, and your self-esteem will also become low, especially when you repeatedly compromise your principles and values for others.

When caught in emotional blackmail, there is also a sense of being unable to speak out, leading to feelings of anger and frustration. But usually, to avoid these emotions, the blackmailed person hides these feelings, making it impossible to release them. These suppressed emotions can manifest through the body, such as depression, overeating, headaches, etc., trapping you in a physical and mental quagmire.

How to Respond/Counter/Refuse Emotional Blackmail?

When faced with emotional blackmail, you can use the following three methods to respond and refuse emotional blackmail.

Express Your Thoughts and Communicate with the Other Party

When someone uses emotions to make demands on you, hoping you will compromise, the first thing to remember is to be brave enough to express your thoughts and feelings. Faced with emotional blackmail, we should not suppress our feelings, or think that communication is useless and give up, but try to communicate with the other party and express our thoughts, so that others can understand your difficulties from your perspective and clearly know your stance.

Split the Tasks and Understand Your Rights

Many people may have expressed their stance at the beginning, but when the other party resists, using high-pressure or threatening methods to respond, they end up compromising out of guilt or fear of conflict. Remember that we have the right to refuse any behavior that makes us uncomfortable or anxious, even if the other party is our relative, friend, or partner. No matter how insistent the other party is, we just need to continue to firmly express our wishes and stance.

Leave Immediately and Seek Support and Help

If a relationship makes you start to feel troubled and doubt yourself, it's best to seek help from trusted elders, friends, family, or professionals around you. And if there is verbal and behavioral violence in the relationship, you should leave the scene and stay away from all people, things, and situations that are harmful to you to ensure your safety and mental and physical health.

Professional Psychological Support/Counseling Q&A

Below we have invited Natalie Ng Tsz Yin, a registered counseling psychologist from the Hong Kong Psychological Society, to share with us common emotional blackmail and what to do when encountering similar problems:

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Q: How do I know if I am in an emotionally blackmailing relationship?

A: Awareness is the most important step. Notice whether the other person often uses emotional threats to influence your decisions, or whether they make you often feel guilty or obligated.

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Q: How do I get out of an emotionally blackmailing relationship?

A: Once you discover you're in emotional blackmail, change will happen as soon as your response is different. When you notice someone else is emotional, don't shrink back and compromise, but understand that the other person's emotions are their personal choice and have nothing to do with you.

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Q: How does emotional blackmail affect mental health?

A: Long-term emotional distress caused by emotional blackmail can, in severe cases, affect your life, such as causing insomnia, social withdrawal, and even affecting your ability to work or study. If you encounter the above situations, seek psychological support or the assistance of professionals.

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Q: How should I seek help?

A: Share your experiences with someone you trust and consider seeking professional counseling.

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By understanding the nature of emotional blackmail and learning effective coping strategies, we can protect ourselves from manipulation and build healthier, more equal interpersonal relationships.

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